Wednesday, August 14, 2024
Just last week I had the priviledge of celebrating another birthday. It was wonderful to receive so many well wishes, notes and emails congratulating me on obtaining the ripe old age of 68. Looking back, I am not sure I ever had a real doubt I would make it to 68, but I must admit, my confidence in me making it to age 90 is a little shaky. It sort of makes a fella realize he is like a package with an expiration date stamped on it, only I cannot see the label and do not know when I will expire.
It would be nice if I knew when the end was near, because then I would know exactly how much money I needed. I would be able to spend down to the last nickel, knowing my time was up and I would not need any more cash. I would also manage to make the trips and go see the friends I want to see one last time before I cashed in my chips. But that is not how it works. We make our best plans, and the Lord decides what he is going to do, and it may or may not coincide with the plans we have made. Seems like the best we can do is to live each day to the fullest, and simply take the cards we get dealt with a smile on our face.
With the onslaught of age, it is always a little fun to reflect on how life has changed in those 68 years and what I have learned during all that time. Recently, I had a discussion with a young single mother. She is mid-thirties, attractive, has a good job, and has two children she is raising alone. She has been divorced for a few years, and the father of the children is not what I would call a supportive or engaged parent.
This young woman came to me and suggested I should write a column about all the pressure young mothers feel in today’s world. She explained, so many young women are single mothers without supportive fathers and, sometimes, without supportive extended families. It is a challenge for these women to make a living, serve their community, and, hopefully, raise their children in such a way that they grow up to be reasonable, responsible adults.
She confessed to me that being a single parent can be lonely, frustrating, and sometimes downright aggravating. While she makes a reasonable living, it would seem the materialistic demands of children in today’s world are far too great for the income she brings home. Her children are active, involved in sports and a string of other activities. All of them seem to require additional entry fees, uniforms, shoes and the like. They require extra travel, lots of time, and all sorts of other demands. She confided that there was an unbelievable amount of peer pressure for her to be “perfect” – to do everything for her kids, see they can participate in whatever event they wish, and they have all the resources required to participate.
In a moment of fatherly wisdom, I told the young mother the only pressure that is on her is the pressure she was putting on herself. She is a fine, hardworking girl and is clearly devoted to her children. I attempted to explain to her that in today’s world, for whatever reason, there seems to be a need for people to have “more,” buy “more.” I mean, they want to be able to do any and everything, and the cost or the time commitment is immaterial. Now, how crazy is that?
It is fun for kids to grow as they participate in activities that cause them to improve as athletes, students, or as human beings. However, just because something would be fun does not mean you are a terrible mother for saying the “N” word if you cannot afford an activity. By “N” word, I mean saying “NO.”
Saying “no” is simple. By telling your children “no” on occasion, they may have learned one of the greatest lessons in the world, that there is a big difference between what you “want” and what you “need.”
It may be fun to play “select baseball,” but if Mom cannot afford to fix her car because she has spent so much money driving to practices and games all over the Metroplex, baseball needs to stop. If Mom has an overdrawn checking account because the next cheerleading camp is just around the corner, and there was no money in the budget for the entry fees, then it is time to not go to camp. Would it be fun to participate? Of course. Is it responsible to participate in something which you cannot afford? I think not.
I probably sound like a mean old man. Maybe like the old guy who doesn’t want kids walking across the edge of his yard and shoots the water hose to run them off his property. I hope not. Saying no is not a punishment; it is sometimes a reality check and a teaching moment. It is important to learn that we cannot have whatever we want just because we want it. Sometimes, we must acknowledge we cannot afford to go to Disneyland or play on a select team. The world will not end. In fact, the children may learn a sense of responsibility and self-respect they might not otherwise acquire. Through disappointment comes learning and understanding.
My wise father once pointed out an Amish family to me. There were three young children. I couldn’t help but utter to my dad that those kids had it tough being Amish. Could you imagine: no car, no tv, no lots of things? My dad looked at me and said, “Son, maybe you are right, but in my life, I have never seen Amish kids who appeared to be unhappy. They seem to love their folks and their family. Who is to say what we really need? On the other hand, I have seen lots of kids who have been given everything that never seem to be happy.”
I hope my young mother heard me and tries to apply some good judgment in deciding what she can and cannot afford in the future. The pressure on her is to raise two responsible, confident, well adjusted, young people. From what I can tell she is well on her way to doing just that. Saying “no” won’t prevent a child from succeeding, but it might give them an insight, which will carry them a long way. Be the parent, not the good friend.
Thought for the day: It is a parent’s job to teach. If the parent doesn’t teach, life will, and the learning will be twice as difficult.
Until next time…I will keep ridin’ the storm out!
